


Sensless Pain

by f_ckthat



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Assisted Suicide, Gay, Gay Male Character, Gay Sex, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Triggers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 23:26:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4806212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/f_ckthat/pseuds/f_ckthat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashton is a boy with a dark past and wants nothing more than to die.<br/>Luke is a boy with unbearable guilt and doesn't want to bask in it any longer.</p>
<p>[THIS STORY DEALS WITH SELF HARM, SUICIDE ATTEMPTS, AND SEXUAL VIOLENCE. THIS STORY COULD POTENTIALLY BE VERY TRIGGERING. PLEASE CONSIDER THIS AS A WARNING.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Sweat dripped from Ashton’s forehead, despite the bitter cold air that had been hitting his face every so often. His back was thrown up against what felt like a brick wall – he was so disorientated that he couldn’t tell exactly.

Snickers and laughter followed shortly after Ashton was thrown back into someone’s tight grip. Their hands grabbed his arms. The pressure would surely leave bruises on his skin, but Ashton grew not to care. No one else did, so really, why should he?

Soon, the figure that had Ashton pinned flung him onto the concrete road. They were in a dark alley, so no one was close enough to realize what was happening. Better yet, no one was around to stop what was happening. Ashton’s upper body broke his fall, knocking his breath away. A brief moment of panic washed over him as he couldn’t breathe, but he figured it’d come back soon, and if it didn’t and he died, then would that really be so bad?

There’s nothing Ashton could do to make any of this stop. The constant fights, the looks of disapproval, the rumors, the neglect and the regret – not his own, but his own mother’s of birthing him – were things Ashton had to live with everyday until the day he died. He didn’t know when that would be, but each day he would pray for it to be sooner rather than later.

All Ashton wanted in life was to be robbed of life itself. He was tired of living. He wanted to die. He craved death like it was something a person would regularly crave. And as Ashton laid there, in the dark, isolated alleyway, watching the group of men retreat away from him, Ashton finally understood that if he wanted death, he would have to do it himself.


	2. Chapter 2

Ashton sat in the public library doing research on some school essay he had to write. The library offered free wifi, so he was contently on his on laptop, and was tucked away in some corner, as opposed to being out in the open while using one of the library’s slow and useless desktops.

It was abnormally quiet today, but Ashton didn’t mind at all. The quiet was nice. It didn’t hurt his head. Ashton peeked up from his laptop’s screen and glanced across the library floor – there was absolutely no one here – except for the workers, of course. This made Ashton feel more comfortable and decided to take a break from his research and he went onto his new favorite website, www.senselesspain.com. He logged in with his user ID, kxllxngit, and scrolled down his newsfeed. 

This website was different from regular social media. There was no friend requests or follow backs, and the concept of “liking” a post didn’t exist. Instead, this website let every user’s post be seen by every existing account, and anyone could message you whenever they wanted. But of course, when signing up for the site, Ashton was already aware of this, as were the other accounts, since everyone only ever posted about killing themselves. 

The main purpose of this website was to help someone find another person to kill themselves with. Ashton figured if he couldn’t do it himself, then he might as well find someone to either do it for him, or do it with him. Guy or girl, it didn’t matter. He just wanted to be dead. 

Ashton scrolled through some pages of people, but no one’s story of why they wanted to die caught his eye. As sick and twisted as it sounded, Ashton was looking for a real depressed person to off himself with. He didn’t want to feel bad for helping whoever die. He didn’t want the baggage – though, why would it matter? They both would be dead anyway.

Ashton felt as if he had wasted his time severely, seeing as how he still found no one to message. He bit his lip, sighed, and logged off the site. He put his laptop back into his bag and slowly stood up, feeling a bit dizzy from his head wound he got the night prior. Under his bandana, he had a large cut that stung and just felt awful, but instead of caring for it, Ashton let it ache. I deserve it, he thought.

Once outside, Ashton let the cool air strike him yet again on his sleeveless arms. It was the only thing that ever felt nice to him anymore. Letting out a large sigh, Ashton walked over to his bike – a bicycle, not a motorcycle – and sat on it’s warn down seat. His bike was rather old, but he loved it nonetheless, so much so, he figured why save up for a car when he had a perfectly abled bike.

Normally it took only 10 minutes for Ashton to get home from the library, but he wanted to stay out a bit longer and catch a breath of fresh air. He just wanted some peace and quiet for once – even boys who are suicidal need their peaceful moments. To achieve this want, Ashton rode his bike to the northern part of his hometown so he could lie down by the beach. This time of year, almost no one went to this beach. There was a larger one that everyone went to, to have drunken parties, but Ashton preferred the small beach that he figured was almost as lonely as he.

Later that night Ashton’s stepfather made Ashton and his stepbrother dinner, as Ashton’s mother was still at work. Ashton’s stepfather never really cared for him, so when Ashton heard his name being called for dinner, he was surprised. His stepbrother, Calum, on the other hand, was younger than Ashton, and thought Ashton was this cool hipster. He tried to be Ashton’s friend, but Ashton kept pushing him away – he didn’t want Calum to realize what a fool he really was. He didn’t want Calum, the only person to ever like him, see him get beat up and lose all respect.

As Ashton sat down at the table, his stomach growled. Normally he only eats small portions, his stepfather had made his favorite meal, spaghetti and meatballs. Something’s up, Ashton thought to himself, eyeing his plate as it was soon being filled with food.

“This looks so good!” Calum cheered and thanked his dad, “Tomorrow can we have my favorite meal?” Calum’s dad – Ashton’s stepfather – smiled lightly and stayed silent for a minute. He looked at Ashton who still hadn’t touched his food, despite being his favorite.

“I make your favorite, yet you still refuse to eat?” Calum’s dad groaned, “Your mum thinks I’m too hard on you, and maybe she’s right, but you make it hard to like you when you do shit like this. So Ashton, either eat your dinner or go back up to your room.” Over the years Calum’s dads yelling died down to an emotionless voice, but still had a great impact on Ashton.

“Dad stop being mean.” Calum hissed across the table. Ashton appreciated Calum’s support, but Calum could only do so much. Ashton swallowed the spit in his mouth and picked up his fork, forcing himself to eat. It was a rather bittersweet moment. As Ashton ate, Calum and his father talked about school and the football team – Calum was on it, and he was rather good. They went to the same school, but Calum was a grade below Ashton.

“Ashton?” Calum spoke quietly, bringing Ashton back from his thoughts. He hadn’t heard what Calum asked, “Are you going to come to my game on Friday?” Calum had this hopeful look in his eye, as if maybe this time, after constantly being let down, Ashton would finally go to a game.

“I don’t know, maybe.” Ashton shrugged, “I have this paper to write.” And this was true, though, Ashton kept the part where it was due on Wednesday to himself. He caught Calum smiling. Ashton would go, but he hated anything and everything that involved social activity. Maybe if he had friends, he’d go. But where would he find a single friend on such short notice?

“You should go.” Calum’s dad spoke out, “Come with me and your mother.” The sudden care coming from him made Ashton feel weird. Whatever his mother said must’ve hit close to home because never had Calum’s dad tried this much to like Ashton. Ashton nodded slowly as he took another forkful of spaghetti. Maybe he’d try it out. 

When dinner ended, Ashton’s mum had got home and went straight to her bedroom to shower. The only person she said hi to was Calum’s dad. She didn’t even say hi to her own son, but Ashton was used to it. Ashton cleared his plate, put it in the dishwasher, and headed back upstairs to his room to work on his paper, but when he got on his bed, he found himself going straight to Senseless Pain, hoping either he could find someone to message, or someone had messaged him. Though, no one had, and he fell short when searching himself. 

It was nearing ten at night when Ashton went to bed. He turned off his light and closed his laptop. The thought of his own suicide grew from something to scary to something he was actually looking forward to. When he found someone they would start planning it, as if they were planning a big party, but they were the only guests. Occasionally Ashton wondered what his death would mean to his “family” but he knew it wouldn’t hurt them the slightest. It would be one less mouth to feed, one less person taking a shower in the morning, and one less regret for his mother. The thought of his suicide brought a happy warmth to Ashton’s heart. He never wanted something so badly in his life. Maybe tomorrow I’ll find someone. Maybe tomorrow someone will find me. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have a suicide partner, Ashton thought before slipping away into a dreamless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

There was knock on Luke’s bedroom door, “Mr. Hemmings, it’s time to get up. You’ll be late for school if you stay in bed any later!” Luke’s butler, Charles, spoke through his door. “Your mother had to leave early today. She had a big conference meeting. She told me to tell you she should be home for dinner.”

Luke laid in bed fully clothed. He was ready for school, but he just didn’t want to go. He always asked to be home schooled, but his mother always refused. It didn’t make sense to Luke, seeing as his mother had the money. He didn’t understand what the difference was. All he could see were pros. He would never have to leave his pajamas again. It sounded like a sweet deal to Luke.

“I’m coming, Charlie.” Luke spoke back, knowing he’d be left alone, as Charles hated when Luke called him Charlie. It took only a second for Luke to hear the retreating footsteps go back down towards the main level of the house. 

When Luke got to school – his private school – everything was the same. His friends greeted him at the front gate and followed him in through the side door. The students who weren’t in his clique would just stare as he and his friends walked by. It was safe to say that Luke was the Regina George of his school, but minus the bitchy attitude. He wasn’t rude at all, just insanely popular, and he didn’t know why. Actually, he had a clue – his mother’s money is what made him so popular. 

Ever since Luke’s brothers, Jack and Ben, passed away, his mother devoted her life to work. It was considered rare when Luke saw his mother for more than three hours a day. Even when she was sick she would work. Nothing would stop her. Luke was confused with his mother’s work ethics. Despite being happy she wasn’t sad anymore, he missed his mother – he missed the woman who once loved him, now all that’s left is this stranger.

Luke always had considered Charles family because when Luke was younger he’d get help on his homework from Charles. Charles taught him to ride a bike, to make a simple meal, and to even shave. Charles, to Luke, acted as his father, and even acted as his mother sometimes. This relationship they had was why Luke thought it was okay to call him Charlie, yet he insisted on being called Charles. What made it even weirder was Charles would always refer to Luke as Mr. Hemmings.

Luke and his friends always stood outside the cafeteria entrance in the mornings, as Luke’s locker was right next to it. It was just how it always had been – everyone follows Luke. Normally they would have around fifteen minutes before class to talk about whatever. Luke’s best friend, Michael was probably the only one in the school who didn’t kiss Luke’s ass, and that’s why he was Luke’s best friend. Michael, in the mornings, would either talk about which girl he was currently crushing on, or who he railed the night prior. It was gruesome, but it made for entertaining conversation.

“So, you find anyone yet, mate?” Michael broke from his discussion on hot asses and tried to interrogate Luke. Michael knew better than to use pronouns when talking to Luke about crushes because Michael was the only one who knew Luke was gay, and if anyone ever found out, especially the Dean of their school, he’d surely be kicked out. See, Luke’s school was strictly Catholic, and since to them, being gay was a sin, Luke had to hide and deal with it all on his own. The only other person who knew about Luke was Charles. This was only because Charles caught him having a wank to gay porn one night. It was the most embarrassing moment of Luke’s life.

“No. I’ve decided I’m going to be single forever. I’m going to move out one day and get a lot of dogs and live happily ever after.” Luke gave a light laugh, trying to give Michael a smile. 

“I’ll join you.” Michael winked. Michael knew Luke wasn’t a happy person, and so he knew that smile was absolutely fake. Michael knew why Luke was so sad, and he always tried to tell him it wasn’t his fault, but in Luke’s eyes, he was the only one to blame.

Luke got lost in his head again and wasn’t paying attention to the rest of the conversation, but when the morning bell rang, Luke turned and silently walked to his first class. To get to it, he had to cross the main foyer and walk up to the second level of the school. He hated this class for that very reason. Walking by or through the main foyer made him feel sick. His brothers, Jack and Ben, had also gone to this school, and when they died, a shrine was put up for them. They were the top students in their own grades and were on the football team with Calum. They had such great lives planned, but they lost everything. Walking by that shrine reminded Luke of that and how he hated himself for being the reason they died. 

Trying not to cry, Luke quickened his pace, ignored the wall, and ran up the stairs. He didn’t know how much longer he could bare seeing that shrine daily, and he didn’t know why today of all days he felt his absolute worst.

Later that night, after school, Michael came over and he and Luke sat up in Luke’s bedroom. Michael was strumming Luke’s guitar and Luke was browsing the Internet on his laptop. 

“Guess what I came across yesterday.” Michael suddenly said, clamping his hands around the neck of the guitar, cutting the sound. Luke raised his head and looked at Michael, asking him to continue, “I found this website where people talk about suicide and how they want people to do it with them.”

“Why were you searching for suicide websites?” Luke asked, now sitting up straight, as he was more interested in the conversation now, “Why are you so sad?”

“I’m not.” Michael assured, putting Luke’s guitar back in its case, “I was doing research for you.” Michael’s voice dropped, “I’m worried that you might try to kill yourself or something one day. I wanted to figure out how I can help you. You’re just so depressed. I don’t like seeing you like this.”

“There’s nothing you can really do to help.” Luke sighed, “Besides, I deserve this depression. I deserve whatever happens.” 

“Luke, just promise me you won’t turn to suicide.” Michael was starring hard at Luke, “And if you feel like it’s your only option, please, come talk to me.” Luke nodded, agreeing with his plea. The only thing was Luke had been contemplating suicide for about three months now. If he hadn’t already told Michael, he wasn’t going to anytime soon.

When Michael left, Luke stayed up late into the night trying to find this website with suicide discussions. He was about to give up, but after dismissing a bunch of suicide prevention websites, Luke found what he thinks was the website Michael was talking about, www.senselesspain.com. When he clicked onto it, the first thing that he saw on his laptop screen was form to sign up or to login. Luke was curious, so, he made his own account, and when he signed in, the newsfeed was already bombarded with people’s stories and why they wanted to die.

Luke was unsure whether or not this was a good idea, but curiosity killed the cat, and he continued reading everyone’s reasons why they no longer wanted to live. After he got comfortable with the site, he started messaging a few people, sharing his own story. It was nearing midnight when he finally got a response back,

From: blxxdievibes  
ur story hardly seems like a reason to want to kill urself. stop mocking us. we are serious on this site. either get a real reason, or stop looking for attention.

Luke was confused. Why was this person so mean? Luke didn’t bother responding to him or her. Clicking back to his newsfeed, Luke saw that even more people were now posting. 

Luke figured that the site was worldwide, so he changed his settings to local so he had a better chance of finding someone. Though, Luke wasn’t sure if he really did want to find someone, but he kept looking anyway. Unfortunately, Luke came up short and found no one. As it got closer to one in the morning, Luke grew more tired. He decided to end his search for the night and went to bed. However, he was now determined to find someone, and next time Michael asks if he has found anyone, Luke’s answer will be ‘yes.’


End file.
